Memories are fascinating! They can carry so much – joy, pain, fondness, humor, maybe even regret. Sometimes all of these things exist in the same memory.
Recently I was reminded of a memory from around the time I turned 8 years old. It’s a memory that I’d been amused by for years, but this time I realized there was some pain attached to that memory that affected the way I interact with others and with God.
Memory Lane circa 1994.
I was about to turn 8 and my brothers and I, like we did every day, went to play at the neighbors’ house. These neighbors had 12 children, so there was never a shortage of things to do. On this day, though, the neighbor kids and my brothers all left me in the yard while they went to play in a fort we’d built in the woods nearby. They told me I couldn’t come.
What I didn’t know was that they were in the fort setting up a surprise for my birthday – they wanted to celebrate me. However, as a 7 year old, all I knew is that no one wanted to play with me and I was left alone feeling hurt and rejected.
I distinctly remember sitting on a swing when they came out and told me I could come over to the fort now. I also distinctly remember saying, “I’m not ready. I had to wait for you, you can wait for me.” (the stubbornness runs deep!)
We went to the fort and I remember feeling pretty small after being snarky toward them when they were actually doing something kind for me. I remember that and an Aero bar (That’s a chocolate bar. If you’ve never had one, you should probably go to Canada and get one. #worthit)
What God revealed to me the other day is that, in that moment, sitting on the swing, I believed that I cannot trust other peoples’ intentions for me and I need to protect myself from them. I am the only one watching my back.
Though, up until recently, I’d be slow to admit it, I’ve lived a lot of my life out of that lie. I’ve believed I need to protect myself from other people and I couldn’t even trust God to do it.
The next thing God said to me was, “I have surprises for you, but, in order to get them, you have to get off the swing.”
I have to choose one. The swing of self-protection or the things God has.
I cannot live my life from a place of mistrust and self-protection and also receive the things God has for me.
Are people always trustworthy? No. Even Jesus was slow to trust (John 2:24), but you know who is always trustworthy? My Abba. He’s the best dad around and He’s got my back, Every. Single. Time.
I can trust that, even when there is hurt – as a 7 year old or a 20 year old or an 80 year old – He’s working everything in my life for good.
So I’ve done it. I’ve gotten off the swing and I’m exploring new levels of trust that are making way for new experiences and I’m excited!
Aero bars and forts are great, but I’ve got a feeling they’ve got nothing on the surprises from my Abba.
